My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
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The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
yes, those are my real potatoes.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna