every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
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“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.