I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
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“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
watergate? u mean a dam??
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
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