There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
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Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?