I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
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Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this