You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
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just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis