what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
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Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Kermit goes Blue.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I know
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds