I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
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I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Sending in my taxes
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.