Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
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I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat