*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
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DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.