[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
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Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.