Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
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Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Happy Thanksgiving
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me