A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
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I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.