Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
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Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too