A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
You Might Also Like
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed