I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
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I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
adding to the discourse
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.