*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
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Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
🤣😂🤣
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.