“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
You Might Also Like
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
😅😅😅
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again