How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
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HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.