My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
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Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
And now we wait
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
#TopTip
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99