Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
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I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.