How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
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the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down