The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
You Might Also Like
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
That’s easy for you to say
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.