I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
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MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still