Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
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“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
This was my dad’s browser history.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I’ve had relationships like this
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s