He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
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[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”