Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
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I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Last-minute gift idea!
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.