nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
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Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler