Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
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Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Spotted in New Orleans.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
#Caturday
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”