IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
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Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
We’ve all been there
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.