Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
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WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
men, we mow at sunrise.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Ain’t no way
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee