There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
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Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
i smell a pulitzer
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.