Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
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In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered