On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
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I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.