Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
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As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir