My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
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50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.