For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
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Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.