Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
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How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
never deleting this app.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
me, after any kind of buffet.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.