SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
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Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
when nothing goes right… go left
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.