I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
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Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”