[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
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I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
waiting for halloween be like:
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport