Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
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the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.