Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
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The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
This chloroform smells expensiv…
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling