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No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
My dress code is business-casualty.
Brilliant!
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.