Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Terribly Tuesday.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.