woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
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I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
what day is it?
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
technically true but not a great slogan
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*