me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
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She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
The asteroid..