Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
You Might Also Like
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
remember
only for emergencies
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer