smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
You Might Also Like
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
A French press is when you hug naked
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?