“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
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There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?